posted on: July 18, 2018
author: Brian Lomax, Ed.D.
As much as we don’t like it, making mistakes is a part of sport performance. And it’s a part of every day life. We are human and we are not perfect. Mistakes are going to happen, however how you react to them might be what determines your success. Will you be self-critical or self-compassionate? Let me phrase it a different way. Can you find the inner strength to be kind to yourself in a difficult moment?
After reading that last sentence, you may be thinking something like, “Being kind to myself after a mistake sounds like I’m being soft.” Or perhaps you thought, “I have to be tough on myself so that I’m motivated to do better.” Did you think anything like that? OK, good, because you’re totally wrong! 🙂 Self-criticism and negative self-talk don’t work and they never have.
Before going on, I should state that I have some experience with negative self-talk and its effects. For many years, I criticized myself on the tennis court after mistakes and lost points. When I was a teenager, I was even more dramatic with statements such as, “You should quit tennis”, “I hate tennis”, and “Why do you even play? You’re horrible.” This self-criticism didn’t make me play better. In fact, it made me feel awful. Tennis matches weren’t fun. They were a massive struggle filled with anxiety and self-loathing. If I happened to win, there was rarely a sense of elation. Instead, I just felt relief that I didn’t lose.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, I want you to know that there’s a better way, but it’s not easy.
The voice in your head is your ultimate coach. Even if you have a real coach, the voice in your head has the last word so it is your ultimate coach. And if the voice in your head resembles the one in the description above, then your first step is to fire that coach. You need a new coach. One who is motivating, encouraging and supportive. One who understands that you don’t need to be perfect (in most sports) and that the most important moment in the competition is the next one. And if you do make a mistake or lose, this coach should help you forgive yourself so that you can bounce back and be better the next time.
Research on self-compassion shows that people who forgive themselves for mistakes actually take more responsibility for those mistakes than those who are self-critical. So you’re not being soft. You’re actually being more responsible and more realistic. If you forgive yourself after a mistake, then you can move on to the next moment or the next competition. Being self-critical keeps you rooted in the past and it becomes more difficult to move on because of the negative emotions that you’re feeling.
Going from self-critical to self-compassionate isn’t easy, and it isn’t an overnight process. It will take time, but if you monitor the tone and content of your self-talk, and look to improve it day-by-day, you will make improvements. To develop more compassion in your life, try this Loving Kindness guided meditation from the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center. It may seem a bit strange at first, but if you commit to trying it wholeheartedly on a regular basis, you will notice a difference in how you treat yourself and others. Not only will you develop more compassion, you will be more positive and better able to handle adversity.
Remember, self-compassion beats self-criticism. You’ll feel better and you’ll play better. Along the way, you may even develop some wisdom that will help you lead a great life.
Dr. Brian Lomax founded PerformanceXtraâ„¢ in 2009 with a mission of helping athletes achieve their goals and their top performances more consistently through a progression of mental skills that enables them to focus on what is truly important.
Learn more about the author: https://performancextra.com/brian-lomax/